I texted my friend when I really needed her and she left me on read. And I thought to myself why have friends? Why if you can’t rely on them to be supportive. Why am I so lonely and so eager to have people around me. Why do I feel so bitter right now? Why do I hate people so much lately? Why is it that maybe I’m getting use to the idea that maybe I should be alone and that’s why I’m single? Because I really do deserve to be alone? Because I’m stubborn and bullheaded. Because I’m selfish. Why do I feel nothing and everything?

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Sometimes I think maybe the things my mother says about me are true. Am I black hearted, selfish and unloving? Am I just in it for myself and that I don’t care about any of the personal struggles she goes thru? I am really as bad as she says I am?

For so long I’ve fought for my independence. Always being kicked out because I disagreed with her and then ending back up on her doorstep. She always took me back in and for every time she reminded me when I was being unkind or not appreciative. There was always the martyrdom, the tears the talk of sacrifice and everyone once in awhile the words would come out that she never planned to have me but now I was here and she had to give up her plans because of me.

I always feel like a burden. Just this heavy bag of shit that just recently started good for itself. But still a bag of shit. Just less heavy. I wonder when I’ll ever repay her back and the answer is never. Never is a long to time to be living in guilt. Trying to repay someone back in gratitude is a shitty form of currency. The exchange rate always depends on how the other person feels. Sometimes they’re so happy for the things you do for them and sometimes it’s just not enough

I just want to get away. Have my own life. Be independent. Show her that I can do it alone. That this is all the hard work she put in. Because that’s the one thing she goes on about is how I’ll be able to support myself without her. But if I leave then I abandon her.

There’s no winning. No way to defend myself. No true freedom. Or that’s how I feel at least. Maybe I’m just entitled and selfish. Maybe I’m still just shit. Finally finished school and felt proud for once just to be reminded it’s not really much.

Surrounded but alone

Looking thru my phone book I see all these people. A lot of coworkers. Some exes. A handful of casual acquaintances. A few people who I’m friendly with but don’t really know me well enough to be real long life friends. And then there’s just 3 people I can say I’ve spilled my absolute guts to.

Out of all those numbers there’s not one I feel like telling these things to. And if you’re one of the three people I’m mentioned you might not want to continue on…

Tomorrow’s graduation day. First my oldest friend basically cancels on me and I find out completely by coincidence. If I hadn’t been where I was when I was I wouldn’t have known. I’m really disappointed. I told him these was a huge thing for me. He said he would come. Now I know maybe he could be cancelling for an array of reasons but I feel so offended that he would just ghost me. I feel disrespected unloved and betrayed.

So I came home from that news and decided to relax. Which meant smoking a little weed. I don’t normally smoke much. Just enough to relax, but I felt really anxious so I decided to take some good long hits. Just as I was reading to turn off my lights my mom opens my door. Yells at me for the smell and tells me she’s not going to my graduation because she has told me before she hates the smell. I told her I’ve cut down. But she just wasn’t happy.

So for a minute I felt like absolute shit. Two really important people not coming to my graduation. I wanted to cry. But I decided if she didn’t want to come then that shouldn’t stop me from celebrating my achievements. Just because she hated my smoking didn’t mean my work was worthless. I’m not going to let her ruin things. Not anymore.

Disappointed

It’s been a really long and disappointing couple of weeks. Cancellations, bridge burning and overtime have been the common themes in my life. My new job is really putting me thru trial by fire. Everyday seems like a new lesson a new skill that I need to pick up, practice and perfect by the next day. Don’t get me wrong it’s exhilarating and exhausting to gain so much more responsibility in my life because my bosses actually think I’m good enough to handle it. 

As for my sex life. Almost non existent. I haven’t even been in the mood to masturbate. And I’m waiting for the right man to fuck. As you know there’s a lot of fast food dick out there, but I want more. It’s just not worth the little time I have to get a quickie. I want intimacy and interesting conversation/sex. 

I’ve been wondering if maybe my standards are too high. Am I asking for too much? Am I worthy of so much? No I’m not and yes the fuck I am. I work hard, I’m smart, cute, funny, blunt, genuine and willing to be loyal. So why shouldn’t I expect to find a man who is on the same level.

The man with the flowers

A couple nights ago at the restaurant we had a couple come in for dinner. She was the first to arrive. He followed soon afterward. He was a good looking enough guy. Tall and average weight. His pants a little too big for him and a green flannel button up. It was the way he had groomed his beard and combed his hair that showed he wanted to impress her but it was the flowers that he had hidden behind his back that caught all of our attention.

The restaurant wasn’t packed but the few females there noticeably sigh, swooned, smiled and dreamt due to this man. And the flowers themselves weren’t impressive, it wasn’t a bouquet of roses or even store bought $10 mix. It was a couple lilacs picked from around the parking lot bushes. But the way he hid them and the way she lit up when she saw them. It was just, wow.

It made me want to be “that girl” and I wondered if I ever would. To be someone who inspires a man to be his best must be a woman who is at her best too right?

A recent conversation with a friend told me maybe my passion and lust may be blocking men from seeing my true potential. Maybe I should be playing the dating game a little bit better by not giving in so quickly.

But then would I want to be with a man who judges me so quickly because I do enjoy sex and I might be super attracted to you enough to want to have sex.

That guy

I want a guy who will buy me flowers to congratulate me.

I want a guy to celebrate but things with.

I want a guy who calls or texts when he thinks of me.

I want a guy that likes give foot massages.

I want a guy I feel safe around.

But am I ever going to ask for those things? No. Why.

Because I want you to want to do those things of your own volition.