The man with the flowers

A couple nights ago at the restaurant we had a couple come in for dinner. She was the first to arrive. He followed soon afterward. He was a good looking enough guy. Tall and average weight. His pants a little too big for him and a green flannel button up. It was the way he had groomed his beard and combed his hair that showed he wanted to impress her but it was the flowers that he had hidden behind his back that caught all of our attention.

The restaurant wasn’t packed but the few females there noticeably sigh, swooned, smiled and dreamt due to this man. And the flowers themselves weren’t impressive, it wasn’t a bouquet of roses or even store bought $10 mix. It was a couple lilacs picked from around the parking lot bushes. But the way he hid them and the way she lit up when she saw them. It was just, wow.

It made me want to be “that girl” and I wondered if I ever would. To be someone who inspires a man to be his best must be a woman who is at her best too right?

A recent conversation with a friend told me maybe my passion and lust may be blocking men from seeing my true potential. Maybe I should be playing the dating game a little bit better by not giving in so quickly.

But then would I want to be with a man who judges me so quickly because I do enjoy sex and I might be super attracted to you enough to want to have sex.


That guy

I want a guy who will buy me flowers to congratulate me.

I want a guy to celebrate but things with.

I want a guy who calls or texts when he thinks of me.

I want a guy that likes give foot massages.

I want a guy I feel safe around.

But am I ever going to ask for those things? No. Why.

Because I want you to want to do those things of your own volition.

Closing time

Watching a restaurant close up is almost magical if you’re high enough. All the weary workers trying to beat the clock. Willing patrons with their minds to leave and so they can slowly pack up the shop and simultaneously prepare for the next morning.

I’ve seen both sides of the story. Sitting with your fellow coworkers. Worn weary from struggling with two jobs, school or a family. We all trudge towards closing time.

And from a patrons side… sometimes the place just holds a sweet spot. You don’t want to leave. The place has comfy chairs and good music. The service is exquisite and complimentary.

I guess I’m going to miss working here. I’ve made a lot of good memories and had a lot of good talks. Laughs were cracked, camaraderie and inclusion. We supported each other thru break ups, break downs. It was a lifelong dream achieved, it was my “Cheers”


It’s been 1 date, 3 phone calls, several quickly responded and read texts and I think I’m feeling something. It’s something buried something old and I think it might be butterflies. He reminds me of a boy I once knew. We’d talk about how we felt and what we wanted to feel. With unrestrained truth, bravely admitting to the things that made us feel most vulnerable and sore. And after tonight he made me want to read.

It’s been a while since I picked up a book. Almost a year since I started school and devoted myself to textbooks instead. So after we hung up I picked up the poetry book on my night stand and flipped to a page

wet Marie – r.h. Sin

With two fingers

A few strokes

She began to overflow

And I was willing to drown

For her.

Looking at that poem all I could think was, I think I found a man who would drown for me.

I want to go back to that beach. But even there I felt lonely. In one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen and I was still empty. How can others find peace and solace in themselves? Mindfulness just never works for me. I can’t be in the moment because I’m always in my head. And it’s lonely in there.

It’s funny how I’ve finished school on Wednesday and now I’m having a fucking emotional breakdown. I was so good for 6 months. So laser focused on finishing school and getting good grades that I let all the bullshit slide past me. Now that I’ve got too much free time on my hands I wonder why I’m alone and disappointed and angry and just sigh feeling like I’m falling apart again.

But externship starts on Monday. So maybe that will be the ticket to getting back to my confident self. Back to feeling like I’m worth something.

Size queen

Sometimes I’ll get a guy on the site who will email me constantly. It’s almost a compliment, but in reality I am just not interested in them. If I was I’d message them back within the first or second introduction.

Sometimes I feel bad or it becomes a nuisance so I answer them and just say “I’m not interested, but I appreciate the compliment. I wish you the best of luck”

That phrase alone I thought I crafted beautifully. It’s not mean or specific or insulting. It’s straight to the point. And yet they continue on. Or I get called nasty names.

Which brings me to the message I get most often; “guys who have huge cocks and inexplicably want to ruin my guts with it”. I’m really not into huuuuuuuge dicks I rather like them medium sized and thick or leaner and long. I have one rule. It’s it’s too big to get past my tonsils it’s probably too big for my pussy. So to these guys I’m always upfront. Look man I just can’t take that much meat. To which they always reply “I’ll take it nice and slow”.