Writing keeps me level

Right now I need to be level. My heartbeat is high. My anxiety feels like a pot of water ready to boil over. When this feeling hits the only way I can let go is by hurting myself. So I cut, I punch, I bang my head against things. In the past I’ve broken a hairbrush against my head, leaving a big bump that I would touch for days afterwords. The pain being like a memory to let go. Cutting myself helped too. The sting during and after made it easier to breath, as though the tiny cuts in my arm were a tracheotomy.

Can someone convulse with stress? Is that possible. Am I overrescting. Why is it I can’t kill myself like my father. I wonder if he ever felt this way.


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