3 single tears

I remember when I was younger and I would feel this way. An overwhelming sadness due to an accumulation of things. I never knew what it was exactly that brought it on or exactly what to focus on while I was sad. Rather it was like my heart was just tired and heavy from all the crap I had absorbed. 

Back then I would lay in bed and just sob. Body heaving, snot inducing sobs. Racking my body, feeling myself shudder and shake. 

Tonight that feeling came back, welcome old friend I said to myself. I was momentarily happy as I thought about how long it’s been since I felt this way and then suddenly a sad song came on my random playlist and I sank back. 

 I laid here quietly and three tears ran from my right eye. I felt them stream down my face and felt as though I could hear them dropping onto my pillow. And that was it. 

I don’t know if I should be worried that it’s come to this. Or maybe I should be happy that I’m not as distraught as I use to be, or maybe I’m just handling things better now that I’m older. The poetic me wants to say that maybe I ran out of tears and the silly me says maybe I have to start rationing. 

Alone but not lonely

I saw a woman on the ferry to Koh Chang. Her hikers backpack filled to the brim, well worn sandals and a pensive look on her face. At first I felt sad for her. How lonely it must be to travel alone. Then I thought no, it must be exhilarating. To be on your own, independent from everything else, to see the world and form your own opinion, without someone second guessing you or telling you what to do. Knowing that you have the confidence to rely on yourself. It was then that I envied her.

How to make female friends and not creep them out.

I have horrible social skills when it comes to making female friends. I’m told I come off as too eager and slightly stuck up, but most of the time I’m just trying to impress someone. This awkwardness towards women has always been present, I just don’t know what to say, I feel so inadequate that I end up making grand gestures. Sometimes I don’t say anything at all and end up asking questions, which I find women love. Nothing better than talking about yourself for prolonged periods of time and feeling like someone has a general interest in your life. Basically that’s how I want to be treated.

I don’t meet very many people, I’m a hermit who shuffles between home and work, and occasionally see’s one of my 4 close friends. I am paralyzed as how I’m suppose to make new friends or how to even transition from coworkers to outside work friends.

A past therapist suggested I try one of the meet and greet websites. Somewhere I could find people with mutual interests, but I was always afraid that too many people would feel too weird.

I’m honestly starting to get lonely. Sometimes when I go to the mall, I get very sad seeing two girls hanging out with eachother and I wish I could find that. I had friends in highschool so many of them, but that was when you were in a crowd of somewhat like minded people who you saw 5 days a week. Something happened after I left LA, something that left me so incompetent and unable to put myself forward