3 single tears

I remember when I was younger and I would feel this way. An overwhelming sadness due to an accumulation of things. I never knew what it was exactly that brought it on or exactly what to focus on while I was sad. Rather it was like my heart was just tired and heavy from all the crap I had absorbed. 

Back then I would lay in bed and just sob. Body heaving, snot inducing sobs. Racking my body, feeling myself shudder and shake. 

Tonight that feeling came back, welcome old friend I said to myself. I was momentarily happy as I thought about how long it’s been since I felt this way and then suddenly a sad song came on my random playlist and I sank back. 

 I laid here quietly and three tears ran from my right eye. I felt them stream down my face and felt as though I could hear them dropping onto my pillow. And that was it. 

I don’t know if I should be worried that it’s come to this. Or maybe I should be happy that I’m not as distraught as I use to be, or maybe I’m just handling things better now that I’m older. The poetic me wants to say that maybe I ran out of tears and the silly me says maybe I have to start rationing. 

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Assault

Many many many years ago I was at a grocery store with my mother. It was a small place so I was allowed to wander around by myself. It was then that I met a man who said he was going to give me a surprise. He told me to hold out my hands and close my eyes. He put his flaccid dick in my hand. I was just a child, shocked and scared. So I ran back to my mother and hid behind her until we left.

To this day I’ve told 2 people. I wish I knew how to defend myself then. I wish I could have hurt him and somehow gotten him arrested and put away, but I ran. I feel guilty till today for being so foolhardy, for letting someone trick me and molest me. I should have done something more, because who knows who else he’s done this to.

I still go to that market. Hoping I’ll see him. Hoping I can fucking hurl something heavy at him and scream and yell at him for being a sick piece of shit.