I remember when I was younger and I would feel this way. An overwhelming sadness due to an accumulation of things. I never knew what it was exactly that brought it on or exactly what to focus on while I was sad. Rather it was like my heart was just tired and heavy from all the crap I had absorbed.
Back then I would lay in bed and just sob. Body heaving, snot inducing sobs. Racking my body, feeling myself shudder and shake.
Tonight that feeling came back, welcome old friend I said to myself. I was momentarily happy as I thought about how long it’s been since I felt this way and then suddenly a sad song came on my random playlist and I sank back.
I laid here quietly and three tears ran from my right eye. I felt them stream down my face and felt as though I could hear them dropping onto my pillow. And that was it.
I don’t know if I should be worried that it’s come to this. Or maybe I should be happy that I’m not as distraught as I use to be, or maybe I’m just handling things better now that I’m older. The poetic me wants to say that maybe I ran out of tears and the silly me says maybe I have to start rationing.
I just want to say sorry to my past
For being so young and dumb and foolish and selfish
Sorry to old boyfriends friends lovers
For being so wrapped up in myself
That I lost some of the best people in my life because of it
And I want to say sorry to myself for all the years I beat myself up over it
Because I am a better person today…
or so I hope.
Many many many years ago I was at a grocery store with my mother. It was a small place so I was allowed to wander around by myself. It was then that I met a man who said he was going to give me a surprise. He told me to hold out my hands and close my eyes. He put his flaccid dick in my hand. I was just a child, shocked and scared. So I ran back to my mother and hid behind her until we left.
To this day I’ve told 2 people. I wish I knew how to defend myself then. I wish I could have hurt him and somehow gotten him arrested and put away, but I ran. I feel guilty till today for being so foolhardy, for letting someone trick me and molest me. I should have done something more, because who knows who else he’s done this to.
I still go to that market. Hoping I’ll see him. Hoping I can fucking hurl something heavy at him and scream and yell at him for being a sick piece of shit.