Surrounded but alone

Looking thru my phone book I see all these people. A lot of coworkers. Some exes. A handful of casual acquaintances. A few people who I’m friendly with but don’t really know me well enough to be real long life friends. And then there’s just 3 people I can say I’ve spilled my absolute guts to.

Out of all those numbers there’s not one I feel like telling these things to. And if you’re one of the three people I’m mentioned you might not want to continue on…

Tomorrow’s graduation day. First my oldest friend basically cancels on me and I find out completely by coincidence. If I hadn’t been where I was when I was I wouldn’t have known. I’m really disappointed. I told him these was a huge thing for me. He said he would come. Now I know maybe he could be cancelling for an array of reasons but I feel so offended that he would just ghost me. I feel disrespected unloved and betrayed.

So I came home from that news and decided to relax. Which meant smoking a little weed. I don’t normally smoke much. Just enough to relax, but I felt really anxious so I decided to take some good long hits. Just as I was reading to turn off my lights my mom opens my door. Yells at me for the smell and tells me she’s not going to my graduation because she has told me before she hates the smell. I told her I’ve cut down. But she just wasn’t happy.

So for a minute I felt like absolute shit. Two really important people not coming to my graduation. I wanted to cry. But I decided if she didn’t want to come then that shouldn’t stop me from celebrating my achievements. Just because she hated my smoking didn’t mean my work was worthless. I’m not going to let her ruin things. Not anymore.

3 single tears

I remember when I was younger and I would feel this way. An overwhelming sadness due to an accumulation of things. I never knew what it was exactly that brought it on or exactly what to focus on while I was sad. Rather it was like my heart was just tired and heavy from all the crap I had absorbed. 

Back then I would lay in bed and just sob. Body heaving, snot inducing sobs. Racking my body, feeling myself shudder and shake. 

Tonight that feeling came back, welcome old friend I said to myself. I was momentarily happy as I thought about how long it’s been since I felt this way and then suddenly a sad song came on my random playlist and I sank back. 

 I laid here quietly and three tears ran from my right eye. I felt them stream down my face and felt as though I could hear them dropping onto my pillow. And that was it. 

I don’t know if I should be worried that it’s come to this. Or maybe I should be happy that I’m not as distraught as I use to be, or maybe I’m just handling things better now that I’m older. The poetic me wants to say that maybe I ran out of tears and the silly me says maybe I have to start rationing. 

Vulnerability

It’s hard meeting someone new and right out the gate they know you. They’ve read every minute detail of your speech, dress and manner. They know your movements before you do.

It’s uncomfortable and upsetting especially when you don’t know where things are headed. It’s like walking through a maze of thorns blindfolded. You only hope that they will guide you through unscathed and intact.